I thought the days had long passed when 'real men' didn't really care about their appearance. When real men were not only oblivious, but even proud to walk the earth without designer clothing, smelling like an ashtray or a brewery, and with hair in all the wrong places. They walked around saying things like 'that's for girls', and 'you wouldn't get me wearing one of those'.Men's appearance wasn't the responsibility of men, but of their mothers, wives and girlfriends. Women were the ones who chose new clothing, did the sniff-test, threw out the items not fit for public viewing, and bought aftershave at Christmas. Women were the ones who used phrases like 'I'm not going out with you looking like that Brian!', or 'Oh for God's sake throw that rotten old jumper out Derek!'
Left to their own devices, men would wear underwear until it rotted and fell to pieces. They would open the drawer and take anything that didn't smell too rank and could be held up with a belt or braces.
Are we supposed to believe that things have changed completely?
Well, maybe. Men have discovered fashion, and even personal grooming and hygiene. We have our own industry showing us what to wear and how to stop our hair turning grey and dropping out (or even just skipping the grey phase and jumping straight to fourth base). Department stores and shops have a whole section of 'Men's Products'................in fact we even have things called 'a range of products'. Who'd Adam and Eve it, a whole range of things just for little old us. Not just soap, shaving foam, and anti-dandruff shampoo, but hundreds of things. Things that many men still don't know whether to drink, or polish their hub caps with. We can actually manage our skins by exfoliating, scruffing, popping and squeezing, mud-masking, cleansing, and moisturising.....................you could actually spend a whole weekend just pampering yourself like the lassies. Start with a manicure in public.............yes, in public.............without onlookers assuming you must 'bat for the other team! It's actually okay to be distressed about the terrible state of your cuticles. Fuck the state of the world and global economy, but don't ignore your cuticles boys! And then off to have your hair, not cut but styled, by a stylist in a salon..............or at the very least 'barbered' by a gucci-wearing, modern-day barber who can do more than just a short back and sides and 'something for the weekend Sir'. They can offer a huge variety of styles requiring very little hair to work with, or give you a 'scissor-cut' for a bit extra. Men have colourists. Yes, pass the word on, you don't actually have to keep the colour your were born with.........................you have a choice. Ash-blonde is the new grey!
There just seems to be one small problem.
Do straight men have some kind of grooming filter on their bathroom mirrors? Why is it that so many straight men are resistent to all of these new opportunities?
