The second item on the radio 'news update' yesterday was that President Clinton....................ooooh sorry, ex-President Clinton was rushed to hospital and underwent heart surgery.Firstly, the fact that the newsreader had forgotten that Clinton stopped being 'The President' at the end of his term says it all. Along with Kennedy, he's really still the only American politician whose name most people can be bothered to remember, especially I suspect, the American electorate. The 'other' politicians fleetingly register in several of our brain cells and then, like human waste, are magically flushed away and never thought of again. I think it's one of our human defence mechanisms, we simply shut out what is too upsetting, annoying, or just plain boring to remember.
I vaguely remember a news story the other day about Senator (or ex-senator, who knows!) Jonathan Edwards having a love-child. I had to rack my brains and finally recalled that, that's right, he was the one with the very rich wife (or was that John Kerry?) and who looked slightly like a much younger Robert Wagner (AKA Jonathan Hart for the over 40's, Doctor Evil's number two for the under 40's).
The conclusion I have to come to is that we only really remember politicians for their sexual exploits.Who can name one thing Kennedy did for the US economy (apart from my friend P*** who could almost certainly remember everything he did for the economy)? Any takers? No? What about education? Oh fuck it, who can even remember whether he was a Democrat, a Republican?
But we all remember that he was slipping it to Marilyn Monroe and Jackie Kennedy in a variety of locations not recommended by the Catholic Church.
So, back to good old Bill Clinton (and all who sailed in him!). Was he President during the Iraq War, the Vietnam War, or the Hundred Year's War? Did he make any significant improvements to the day-to-day lives of Hank and Betty Buttschneider of Boise, Idaho?
Hmmmmm, hang on, I know this one................. no really, it's on the tip of my tongue, it was.......................'. No, I thought not.
What do we remember? Yes, of course, that he got sucked-off on the desk in the Oval Office and shot a load down Monica's blue dress.
If you're a politician and you want to be remembered for more than 60 seconds, use your most influential organ. Most people aren't interested in what's going on in your brain, and certainly not in your heart. But we are intensely interested in what you do with your....................how can I put it? Cock? Manhood? In fact, cut out the middle man (or woman) and save us all the fuss and bother. Just call a press conference, and shag whoever you want to in front of the gentlemen (and ladies) of the press. Then we, the general public, can get all the gory details of who did what to who, and you can save being pushed and jostled every time you leave your own home ('Senator Rafferty, is it true you like to be tied up while you watch Will & Grace?') and get on with either:
a) Leaving your apparently devastated spouse for whichever man or woman you've been shagging.
b) Apologising publicly to your spouse and using every opportunity during your 15 minutes of fame to demonstrate your devotion to each other........................'We're stronger than ever!' Yes, of course you are dear!
c) Separating amicably claiming that you want to 'Get on with the important job of running the country'. Which most of us weren't aware you were actually do.
Of course, if you're a female politician, you're at a massive disadvantage. Not having the same political 'tools' as your male counter-parts. Whilst the boys can shag their way to notoriety, your only option seems to be to either make the public think you have a tool, like old Maggie T), or get shagged by a male politician.
Sorry, I don't make the rules.
So, ask yourself. Who can I remember?
