An old friend of mine just emailed telling me how, after an 8-year relationship, the 58 year-old (divorced with grandchildren) boyfriend of an old (female) friend of his has just come out of the closet. Are you still following? I know, it's more complicated than rocket science, isn't it!
But as far as I'm concerned, sexual indecision breaks hearts, so pick a hole and stick with it.
Part of me (the sympathetic, politically-correct part of me) wants to jump up and cheer him, for being brave enough to face up to who he really is (or at least thinks he is) and making such a fundamental change so late in life. But only part of me..................a very small part of me.
Imagine a woman (or man), spending their whole life perfectly satisfied with their nice brown hair, and then reaching the age of fifty and suddenly rushing to a hair salon and asking to be turned into a blonde (or blond for those of you familiar enough with grammar to notice the difference). Then, as way of explanation to their bemused spouse, they say that it's because they never really wanted brown hair in the first place, they were always really a blonde inside but were too afraid to try it.
Okay, we all need a change of image once in a while (like Dawn Cox, the school slut, who went on to become a charity-worker in Bangladesh), but in the words of Emma Bunton (no, not the 18th Century social reformer, the ex-Spice Girl), What Took You So (fucking) Long? I can get my mind around changing hair colour, having breast implants, taking out an expensive gym membership, having triplets at 40, even a change of career. But sexuality isn't some kind of club that you just join because you suddenly fancy trying a bit of same-sex bum (or muff) action. Thanks to all those brave pioneers of the gay rights movement, it hasn't been illegal for years, and the consequences of being open about your sexual preferences (in western society at least) are minimal. Joining the 'I'm Gay' club so late in life just doesn't work, it leaves you way behind the rest of the class who have been working hard at it all term, and also (homo)sexually-retarded.
It's like deciding to become a landscape gardener at the age of 50 and landing a contract to landscape France when you have absolutely no experience and can't tell a blade of grass from a combine-harvestor. But for some strange reason, you expect everyone to be patient while you churn up acres of beautiful parkland and plant turnips.
I could go on with the analogies, but the bottom line is that being gay isn't something you can sign up for like a six-week beginners pottery class, because you just end up hurting a lot of people with your indecision and confused messages. You leave one person feeling hurt and bemused and wondering why you were with them in the first place, and, in a bid to catch up for lost time, you make desperate promises to other people because you feel lost. You play with people's feelings, and then suddenly decide that 'Hey, guess what? I'm not gay after all. I was just confused'.
Having had a relationship with a man who peeked out of his closet late in life, I can tell you that it doesn't make for an easy experience. They are totally fucked up and feel like they have to try to catch up on all the things they missed. My advice to my friend's friend is to shove him back in that closet and lock the fucking door securely to protect the rest of us from yet another 'born a-gay-n' greenhorn.
"Oooh, threesomes? What's that? Should I try it?".
No you shouldn't, go back to your fucking girlfriend, there isn't enough cock as it it at the moment for those of us who have put in years of hard work at being gay. It's a bit like caviar. If we all wanted to eat it every day, we would soon run out. Some people have to eat tuna..................and some men have to eat muff!
"Oooh, threesomes? What's that? Should I try it?".
No you shouldn't, go back to your fucking girlfriend, there isn't enough cock as it it at the moment for those of us who have put in years of hard work at being gay. It's a bit like caviar. If we all wanted to eat it every day, we would soon run out. Some people have to eat tuna..................and some men have to eat muff!
I'm not saying that you can't like poontang AND bhatti, of course you can. Being bisexual isn't the same as being indecisive, bisexuality is a simple admission that you're a greedy bastard who wants it all. But as long as you're clear and honest with the people you meet from the start, nobody gets hurt.
But as far as I'm concerned, sexual indecision breaks hearts, so pick a hole and stick with it.
