I'm planning a really relaxing weekend doing absolutely nothing. I've had the most incredibly busy and stressful week, and I'm mentally tired.
You wouldn't imagine that being a receptionist could be stressful, it's not a word people normally associate with reception work. But in my organisation, expectations (and workloads) are extremely high.
Most people's idea of receptionists is that you just sit at a desk in a Miss Selfridge skirt and jacket, smiling, and wondering what colour to paint your nails at lunchtime, Tuscan Sunset, or Cheeky Blush? Do you want to look like a sophisticated slut ? Or just simply like a slut?
You answer the telephone occasionally in a bored, monotone, vacant-sounding sing-songy voice.................'Helloooooooooo, Smith, Smith, and Smith Chartered Accoooooooooooontants how may I help yoooooooooooooooooooooooooooou?'.
Then, after quickly connecting your caller to the wrong number (the ONLY quick thing you do all day), you go back to nail colours and wondering how far the small hand needs to move before you can go to lunch with Cordelia from Jones & Jones Financial Wideboys, and Shazzer from the Royal Bank of Total Wankers (where your colleague Nadira's fiance works). At lunchtime, you meet other well-groomed, 'Fembot-esque' receptionists (or sometimes Admin Assistants or Secretaries) and shuffle around the shopping mall looking at shoes, clothes, and you guessed it.........................make-up!
Sometimes, you invite 'fat' Rachel (pronounced Rashelle because apparently her great-grandfather was French or black or something) who used to work there until she got the job as PA to an old American guy whose wife refused to let him have 'some young dolly' as his PA. So, he employed her because 'nobody in their right mind would fancy her' (except that he actually does because she gives him 'these fucking awesome blow-jobs under the desk after work - and swallows - and let's him pee over her tits in the exec washroom'). 
'Don't get me wrong babe, she's a really, really nice girl and I love her to bits, but she eats tons of carbs and she's probably a size 14...................and she sort of smells funny' (Yup, that's because she can't get the smell of piss out of her delicates!).
You wile away the afternoon looking at recruitment websites which advertise jobs that you aren't remotely qualified for but that sound like you'd be really good at. Exotic Futures Analyst (that must be about fruit or something), Strategic Offshore Economist EMEA (that one has loads of foreign travel, probably France or maybe America or even New York), Integrated Retail Planning Consultant (well, that's all about shops, isn't it!).
You break up the monotony of the day with a bit of pointless photocopying, usually something personal. But you never use the nearest copier because it's right next to the Legal Department and the Legal Secretaries are 'such a bunch of total bitches who look down their noses at everyone, even Karen and she's got 4 GCSE's! But they're only normal secretaries ............ .................... right?
Instead, you go all the way up to the photocopier on the third floor next to the IT Department where they're pretty much all buff young guys in T.M.Lewin shirts and Armani Exchange jeans. Then you hang around the copier huffing and puffing and looking helpless until Darren, or Terry, or Max (the one you shagged in the spastic toilet at All Bar One after the Christmas party last year) slither over and ask if you need a hand. The conversation is always pretty much the same:
- Awright Sasha, you need a hand?
- Oh I dunno, this stupid copier's not working again! I keep pressing the button but it won't copy and there's no lights on.
- Yeh, we switch it off sometimes because it gets too hot.
- Oh no, oh God, I'm SUCH a total blonde! (true) You must think I'm really thick (true).
- Nah, course not (lie). Do you just want normal copies?
- No, can you get it bigger for me? (you say, innocently raising your 'recently-threaded' eyebrows)
- (Darren raises his eyebrows) Well, never had any complaints so far (lie).
- Oh I dunno, this stupid copier's not working again! I keep pressing the button but it won't copy and there's no lights on.
- Yeh, we switch it off sometimes because it gets too hot.
- Oh no, oh God, I'm SUCH a total blonde! (true) You must think I'm really thick (true).
- Nah, course not (lie). Do you just want normal copies?
- No, can you get it bigger for me? (you say, innocently raising your 'recently-threaded' eyebrows)
- (Darren raises his eyebrows) Well, never had any complaints so far (lie).
(you both laugh for 2 seconds)
- .....................oh my God, you're so filthy, I can't believe you just said that!
- What? What?? That's just your dirty mind Sasha (true).
- I've got to get back downstairs, the phones are just manic this afternoon (lie) and I left Nadira on her own.
- Is that the Asian girl with the scarf?
- Yes, but she's really nice though (lie - you think she's stuck-up). She's getting married next month, but it's like a normal marriage. It's not arranged or anything (lie - their families arranged it). Her fiance works at the same place as my mate Shazzer and she said he's really nice (lie - Shazzer calls him 'the wacky-paki' behind his back and thinks he a total perv who spends his time staring at her tits even though he's engaged).
- What? What?? That's just your dirty mind Sasha (true).
- I've got to get back downstairs, the phones are just manic this afternoon (lie) and I left Nadira on her own.
- Is that the Asian girl with the scarf?
- Yes, but she's really nice though (lie - you think she's stuck-up). She's getting married next month, but it's like a normal marriage. It's not arranged or anything (lie - their families arranged it). Her fiance works at the same place as my mate Shazzer and she said he's really nice (lie - Shazzer calls him 'the wacky-paki' behind his back and thinks he a total perv who spends his time staring at her tits even though he's engaged).
- Are you going out for Ellie's leaving drinks on Friday?
- Might do. Are you going?
-Dunno, are you going?
-Probably.
- Awright, I've got to go, Nadira gets really stressed when she's on her own (lie - she's actually really relieved that she doesn't have to listen to your incessant twittering about shoes and make-up and can concentrate on planning her wedding instead).
You get back downstairs just in time to take your afternoon break, which you spend outside on your (pink) mobile phone smoking and telling Shazzer (and then Cordelia) what a perv Darren is and how much you fancy him (whilst Darren is leaning back on his chair upstairs telling Max what a fucking 'bike' you are). Then you tell Shazzer (and then Cordelia) what a bitch Nadira is, and how she never does anything except talk about how much money her fiance earns. At the same time, whilst you and Nadira smile synthetically at each other through the window, she's on the phone to her fiance telling him what a slut you look in the Cheeky Blush nail varnish that you put on at lunchtime while you were with that other awful slut who works at the same place as him, the one whose tits are too big for the small top she wears.
-Dunno, are you going?
-Probably.
- Awright, I've got to go, Nadira gets really stressed when she's on her own (lie - she's actually really relieved that she doesn't have to listen to your incessant twittering about shoes and make-up and can concentrate on planning her wedding instead).
You get back downstairs just in time to take your afternoon break, which you spend outside on your (pink) mobile phone smoking and telling Shazzer (and then Cordelia) what a perv Darren is and how much you fancy him (whilst Darren is leaning back on his chair upstairs telling Max what a fucking 'bike' you are). Then you tell Shazzer (and then Cordelia) what a bitch Nadira is, and how she never does anything except talk about how much money her fiance earns. At the same time, whilst you and Nadira smile synthetically at each other through the window, she's on the phone to her fiance telling him what a slut you look in the Cheeky Blush nail varnish that you put on at lunchtime while you were with that other awful slut who works at the same place as him, the one whose tits are too big for the small top she wears.
