My grandfather was the solid trunk of our family's tree, and the shock of losing him several years ago left us all emotionally stranded, like pollarded sycamore branches, scattered around on the ground, foundationless, and incapable of sustaining ourselves.You see, he was the one who first sunk roots into the unfamiliar and often unfriendly ground in this country. The one who supplied all our needs, and the one who stood firm and sheltered us when strong winds and tragedy tried to blow us down. He created a tough, loving shell around us all, and tried to protect us from the world. A fortress into which we frequently fled when danger threatened.
When my younger sister was killed by a car at the age of 11, and my mother was left paralysed with grief, it was my grandfather who dragged her back and forced her to carry on. It was my grandfather's constant presence in our lives that prevented my father's worst excesses, and which saved us from financial crisis when he died of cancer, at a relatively young age, leaving my mother with his debts.
Although not always able to change our lives, it was his strength of character and ability to cope with even the worst of situations which taught us to shut out the things we could not deal with or found too distressing.
But without realising it, his fierce desire to protect us and keep us safe also made us weak and incapable of surviving without him. Like a hedgehog, once our protective prickles were gone, we were left vulnerable to attack, and without the means or experience to defend ourselves. Because we were always sure of his guidance or intervention, we never developed the tools to face the difficult side of life or to stand up for ourselves.
My grandfather was a strong, gentle, loving man devoted to his family, and together with my grandmother, created a family environment free from any form of danger. When something or someone threatened us from outside 'the family', rather than confront it, we retreated inside our protective walls. Standing up for ourselves was never something we considered. Instead, we learned to slam the door and wait for our attackers to get bored and leave.
We learned many valuable lessons from my grandfather. The ability to love and accept love, the value of family and friendship, and being able to ignore the difficulties in life and focus on the positive aspects have all been huge advantages. But there is one lesson learned from my grandfather which , in hindsight, has proved disastrous.
Defence is not always the best form of attack.
